


Shattered Dreams

by MorganaNK



Category: Inspector Lynley - All Media Types, Inspector Lynley Mysteries (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-25
Updated: 2018-06-25
Packaged: 2019-05-28 14:31:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MorganaNK/pseuds/MorganaNK
Summary: Barbara has a problem but, instead of talking to Tommy she withdraws from him.  Set a few weeks after the episode 'Know Thine Enemy'.





	Shattered Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> Property of Elizabeth George and the BBC, no copyright infringement intended

Barbara had the door open and was half way out of the car before I had pulled the handbrake on.

“Night Sir. Thank you for the lift, have a good weekend, I’ll see you on Monday.”

“You too Barba...” the door to the Bristol slammed shut before I had finished speaking.

I sat back and sighed deeply. This had been going on for weeks; where we had once been close, spending nearly all our time together, now Barbara was slowly drifting away from me. I had tried to ask her what was wrong, but she had brushed me off. I had started dating, not because I wanted to, I didn’t want anyone but Barbara, but because I wanted to try and inspire some sort of reaction from her; it hadn’t worked. I was at a loss as to what else I could do…

Once again I had managed to avoid making a fool of myself in front of Tommy. Since we had cleared the air after the Thompson case things had been going so well between us, and I had begun to believe that perhaps the feelings that we had fought against for so long could now be given in to.

And then I had begun to feel unwell.

It wasn’t anything definitive, but I knew something wasn’t right. I was having hot flushes, headaches, erratic periods, and my moods were all over the place way more than usual. A trip to the doctor had resulted in seemingly endless tests, the results of which confirmed that I was experiencing an early menopause. I had lost one ovary after the shooting, and now my remaining one was beginning to cease to function.

With that news all my hopes withered and died. The future that I had began to believe that Tommy and I could build together crumbled to dust. There would be no happy ending for me.

I started to distance myself, making excuses as to why I couldn’t go for a pint or a meal. I backed off, keeping things pleasant and professional while I was dying inside. I could see that my change in attitude both confused and hurt him, but I couldn’t find the words to explain.

The knife twisted deeper when he started to date, but I wasn’t in any position to complain. He was living the life I wanted for him, it just killed me that I wasn’t going to be the one to share it…

I had spent the night pacing; veering between anger and despair. I knew I was once again behaving like a tortured adolescent, but I didn’t care. I needed to talk to Barbara. I needed to know what the hell was going on, and if I could, I needed to know what to do to put things right.

The clock in my kitchen told me it was only six am, but I was beyond worrying about things as insignificant as the earliness of the hour. Snatching up my keys I headed for the door. I couldn’t wait any longer…

It was the hammering on the door that woke me. I knew exactly who it was on the other side and, for a second or two I thought about ignoring him, but in the end realised that wouldn’t work. Grumbling under my breath, I threw back the covers, pulled on my robe and headed for the door.

“I’m coming, I’m coming. Keep your bloody hair on!”

Opening the door, I was surprised to see Tommy looking so dishevelled. 

“Sir? What’s wrong?”

“Everything.”

His response stirred memories deep inside me and so, just as I had all those years previously, I stood back and let him enter.

“Can I get you anything? Tea? Coffee?”

He shook his head. 

“Then can I ask why you are here? We’re not rostered on until Monday.”

“I need to talk to you Barbara.”

“About?”

“Us.”

I sat down and gestured for him to do likewise.

“What about us.”

He ran his fingers through his hair, and then looked directly at me, his eyes piercing.

“I want to know why you have grown cold towards me.”

“I’ve what?”

“Don’t try and play dumb with me! I’ve been patient, I’ve given you space. No more; now I want an explanation.”

“I want doesn’t always get, I’m living proof of that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing. Ignore me.”

“Like you’ve been doing your best to ignore me? These games, they stop, and they stop now. We need to talk.”

I stood and began to pace, only halting when he captured my wrist and forced me to stand in front of him.

“Talk to me Barbara. Please.” His voice was strained, and almost tortured. “I thought things were going well between us. I thought we were finally on the same page, and then you pulled up the drawbridge and shut me out. I don’t understand.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“The truth. If I’ve said something or done something, then you owe me the chance to put things right.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.”

“Don’t start spouting clichés at me.”

“We don’t talk, not about things that matter.”

“Barbara, with respect, that is bullshit!”

I stared at him, convinced my eyebrows must have disappeared into my hairline, but I didn’t speak so he seized the opportunity to continue.

“You’re my closest friend. In truth, you’re so much more than that. You are the one person I know that I can trust and that I can rely on. I hate that we’re at odds, and I’m lost without you by my side.”

“The space didn’t remain vacant for very long.” My voice was bitter and full of hurt.

“I was trying to make you jealous! You wouldn’t tell me what was going on.”

“You don’t get carte blanche on everything that happens in my life.”

His eyes hardened, and he dropped my wrist as if it burned him.

“Silly me for caring.”

“See, this is what I didn’t want to happen. This is why I was backing away from you. I was trying not to hurt you.”

“Well, you failed spectacularly.”

I slumped down onto the couch, wrapped my arms around my middle and hugged myself, trying to fight the pain this conversation was causing.

“We were on the same page.”

He came and knelt in front of me, his hand resting on my knee. “Then tell me what changed.”

“I did. When I got shot, it so badly damaged my ovary that I had to have it removed. They told me that I could still have children, although it would have probably taken medical intervention in some shape, form or guise, especially considering my age, but I had the option. That’s been taken away from me now, and all I’ve got left are shattered dreams.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m going through the menopause. My other ovary is failing, I can’t have children, and I feel as if someone has ripped out my heart and stamped on it.”

“So, instead of discussing things with me, instead of letting me know what was going on so that I could support you, you decided to turn your back on me?”

“I know how important children are to you! You need an heir and I can’t give you that, so why on earth would I start something that would lead us absolutely nowhere.”

“As I just said, instead of discussing things with me you chose to turn your back on me. Aren’t I allowed a say in things?”

“I’m trying to do the right thing.”

“No Barbara, you’re reverting to type. Running away and trying to deal with things on your own…”

She began to cry, heart-wrenching sobs that made her whole body shake, and I feared that I had gone too far. I perched next to her and enfolded her in my arms, relieved when she didn’t fight me. I stroked her back, trying to calm and soothe her. My actions had the desired effect.

“I’m sorry.”

I brushed her hair back off her face and smiled softly. “You don’t need to be sorry, you just need to talk to me. All the times you’ve been there for me, you can rely on me to be there for you.”

“It’s because I care that I didn’t tell you. I’m not stupid, I know where we’ve been heading.”

“Where we are still heading.”

She stared up at me, her eyes huge.

“You still want me?”

“Always.”

“Even...”

I pressed a finger to her lips, “even...”

We had spent the whole day talking, laying all our cards on the table, making sure that there were no secrets between us. When every subject had been exhausted, we had curled up on the couch and just held each other.

Sleepily, I lifted my head from Tommy’s chest.

“Do you want to stay?”

He smiled down at me, his index finger tracing patterns on my arm.

“Yes, but…”

“But what?”

“Only if you’re sure.”

“I am. I mean, there’s no pressure…”

“I want to stay Barbara.”

I untangled myself from his arms, stood and held out my hand to him. 

“Then stay.”


End file.
